Thunderjackets: don't crosse LaCult

Disclaimer: Satire edition

After 17 consecutive seasons of losses, and touting more captains than wins, the Mercersburg Academy boys lacrosse team shocked the prep sports world this spring by securing an unexpected invitation to the National Prep School Lacrosse Championships in Seattle, Washington. But just as they were finally on track to achieve greatness, or at least finish a game with double-digit goals, their chartered flight mysteriously crashed somewhere in the Pacific Northwest wilderness.

While traditional rescue efforts have failed, the Mercersburg News has been receiving grainy Snapchat videos, Capcut edits, and the occasional TikTok thirst trap updates from the team. According to these transmissions, the team has adopted several strategies for survival, including fashioning lacrosse sticks into spears, using their Ralph Lauren polos for warmth, and hunting—well, chasing squirrels until they die of confusion. Food, however, remains scarce. “I would take unseasoned dining hall chicken over anything out here,” said Ian Kopp ’26, while chewing on what appeared to be bark. “All we’ve found are psychedelic mushrooms and one bag of Cool Ranch Doritos someone packed.”

Hunger is clearly affecting morale. According to anonymous sources (Taimur’s private story), Reed Warner ’25 was spotted nibbling on Dylan Ridgeway ’26’s calf in his sleep. “It was just a joke,” Warner later clarified. “Like a team bonding thing. But with teeth.” Equipment managers Ali Young ‘26 and Mattie Welch ‘26 are feeling especially vulnerable. “I can confidently say I would choose the bear,” said Young after enduring another session of the “gas chamber,” also known as BO. 

Frank Bonsal ’25 has reportedly taken on a leadership role in what some are calling a cult. “We need to become one with the wilderness,” Bonsal said, now going by the name “Alpha Antler King.” 

The first to go was Winston Watkins ’25, who allegedly froze to death during a chilly night after refusing to cuddle with Wyatt Parks ’25. “The wilderness has spoken,” exclaimed Bonsal. “We must now eat him.” Watkins was then ceremoniously slow-roasted over a fire built entirely from no-longer-necessary lacrosse gloves and cleats. 

Soon after, head coach Tim Kerr became the next offering. After burning down their stick-and-leaf shelter, the team held a democratic vote (3 to 2 with one abstention) and proceeded to turn him into a pre-game protein source. “Coach always said we needed to be hungry for the win,” noted Simba Nguyen ’27. “So we took that literally.”

Back on campus, conspiracy theories are swirling. Sources confirm that Director of Athletics Lauren Jacobs, still reeling from alumni outrage over the recent football team cancellation, may have tampered with the flight. When confronted, Jacobs explained: “Look, it was either cut the team or cut the fuel. And frankly, if I had to listen to Will Lavan ’27 say, ‘I could’ve gone D1’ one more time, I was going to lose it.”

The school community has mixed feelings. A vigil will be held Tuesday at the lacrosse field, where students can gather around a candle-lit lacrosse net and read excerpts from Lord of the Flies. Alumni are reportedly divided: half are outraged, the other half impressed that the boys finally showed some teamwork. 

As for the team? Their final TikTok showed ten shirtless boys dancing around a fire, faces painted in charcoal and deer blood, chanting, “Wilderness forever. Go Storm.”