Girls will be wives

Disclaimer: Satire edition

With the Hale Field House's impending transformation into an interim dining hall for the 2025-2026 school year, the number of participants in winter indoor track has been significantly limited. In an effort to ensure that everyone has a winter activity, the PGA committee has introduced many exciting alternatives, the most notable being the Tradwife Internship.

The mission statement is as follows: “Our goal is to prepare female students on our campus for the looming political state of America by making them proper homemakers and mothers,” said the group's faculty leader, Dave Holzwarth, who promises that this program will be a life-changing experience. 

The four main focuses of this program will be cooking, cleaning, motherhood, and, most importantly, serving men. The assistant director and creator of the program, Ben Doyka, explained, “When creating our curriculum, I took influence mostly from The Handmaid’s Tale, Ballerina Farm, and The Secret Life of Mormon Housewives.”

The leaders were also happy to announce that they will be partnering with the Conococheague Institute to study the history and reasoning behind why young women are tasked with these important roles. Participants will wear the Institute’s historical attire to ensure the most realistic experience possible. The faculty hopes to bring in guest speakers such as Nara Smith and her husband, Lucky Blue Smith, as well as world-famous podcaster Andrew Tate.

While many female track stars are hesitant, most are eagerly embracing this opportunity. Sophie Koroma ’26 mourns her inability to participate in this PGA, commenting, “If I weren’t going to a D1 swimming program, my second choice would be to drop out and become a tradwife. Actually, being a tradwife was my first option, but I guess it just didn't work out.” Fellow record-breaker Ella Blanco ’26 adds, “I mean, I already broke a school record, now it’s time to be where I belong…in the kitchen.” She sounded particularly excited about the cooking segment of her studies. Madeline Chu ’27 sums up the reasoning behind this new activity well, saying, “Everyone can run, but not everyone can bake a nasty pie while rocking a baby to sleep. And I want to be the latter.”

While initially created as an interim PGA for female runners, young women from other PGAs across campus are also planning to join the program. “Even though I came to Mercersburg as a basketball recruit, I will be leaving the team to participate in this opportunity. I think it will be more beneficial in the long run,” said Maddison Greenway ’28. She explains that her current cooking skills are limited to making ramen, and she is excited to finally "unleash her full potential." Antonina Sech ’26, originally a swim recruit, adds, “I look forward to this endeavor and hope we cover how to secure a sugar daddy.” Even GSSU leaders and active lesbians, Alice Morgan ’26 and Annie Mohr ’26, are interested in the program. Mohr notes, “I really think this would get us in touch with our feminine sides. We have drifted too far from who we really are.”

PGA leaders anticipated pushback from students on this "controversial topic" yet they could not have predicted the response they received. Male-identifying students began speaking up not in protest but in hope. Joe Segal ’26 cried, “My truest dream is to be a trophy husband. I hope the school seriously considers introducing a program for us kind and curious men.” Simon Brennan ’26 commented, “I think this is an amazing opportunity for my girlfriend. She is already pretty good at making my sandwiches, but it’s time for her to focus up and learn how to clean.” Lastly, from his own unique perspective on women, Wyatt Park ’25 chimed in, “Well, maybe it will be more entertaining than watching women’s sports.”

To maintain competitiveness and encourage hard work, participants will be invited to the Varsity Banquet at the end of each term. At the banquet, the MVP will be awarded the "Trophy Wife Trophy," which is a wife-shaped award. The most-improved future wife will receive the "Girlfriend Material Award."

The Tradwife PGA isn’t just meant to create a competitive environment among students like traditional sports; it is designed to pit women against each other, breaking them down until they believe they are worthless—in keeping with the natural order of the species. Mercersburg has strayed too far from its roots as an all-boys school, and this program, alongside preparing female students for the real world, reinstates the long-lost tradition of women serving men.