Welcome to the ThunderDOME™

Disclaimer: Satire edition

Let me be clear: This place shouldn’t be a normal school. It should be a hotbed for ideas and the gold standard for education in the 21st century. But we’ve got to get there first. 

Four years ago, when I first walked onto Mercersburg’s campus, I was just a humble freshman with a dream. Fast forward to today: I am Marshall President. I am Student Body President. I am the guiding light of this institution. Some people attend school. I disrupt it. I create it. So to make this place special, it’s got to change. And look, I love Mercersburg. But let’s be honest: this school has too much. Too many programs. Too many traditions. So, with the power vested (and not vested) within me by the people of Mercersburg Academy and Mr. McDowell, I am beginning a widescale optimization program through the creation of a new school office. The Department of Mercersburg Efficiency. The ThunderDOME™. 

First, we’ll begin with lunch announcements. They’re time-consuming and inefficient. So, they’ve been replaced with updates on my favorite social media platform, X. If you’d like to make a lunch announcement, make sure you are verified. 

Next up on the chopping block will be our blue card payment system. For this place to be FORWARD (as the great Gabe McGuire once said), we can’t stick with fiat payment. From today onwards, Blue Cards will be loaded with varying cryptocurrencies. No buts about it. 

A huge expense at Mercersburg is our faculty. Yes, they teach our students, and do duty, and monitor events, and are the bedrock of this institution, but when you forego all of that, they have gotten too comfortable and made a career out of “teaching” and “service to students.” But if this place is to succeed, it’s time to drain the Burg. 

Up first are the “career educators”. Mr. Malone, Mr. Schroer, Ms. Stephens, Mr. Holzwarth, and the Walkers. I’m sorry to see you go, but this place can’t have people dragging it down. Your classes are corrupted, and not at all core subjects like AI innovation or machine learning. I’d also like to announce a hiring freeze on all new faculty and the implementation of a yearly test on the actions of the ThunderDOME™ for all faculty. 

With ineffective faculty out of the way, it’s time we headed to the pork belly classroom. As of today, the history department has been disbanded. There is simply no use in learning the past; instead, all resources will be diverted to a slush fund for the administration. We should focus on building the future. Forget history. Make your story. 

And to round out the changes, it’s time we hit student life. Clubs? Iced (besides those approved by the ThunderDOME™). Snack closets? Destroyed. Dress code? Uniform. Students here need to be focused on work, building, and meritocracy. Nothing else matters.

The future is near. And soon, this place won’t have teachers, classrooms, or buildings. It’ll all be virtual, and that’s so beautiful to think about. As we gear up for the transition to a New Mercersburg Order, the transition will be painful. These cuts are the first of many, so, get with the times and kiss the ring. Or you may be next up.