April 4, 2025 at 4:00:00 PM
Anne Sehon '25
Disclaimer: Satire edition
In accordance with Pennsylvania law, the Academic Office recently announced a new requirement for students, starting with current ninth and tenth graders: all students must take a personal finance course in order to graduate. Though I appreciate the school’s initiative to ensure the future financial stability of its students and alums, I find this decision neglectful of and offensive to a silent majority of the school community: students with trust funds.
It is no secret that the Academy has attracted and sustained a relatively wealthy population since its inception, many of whom have funded the construction of buildings, creation of scholarships, and the general academic and athletic betterment of the school. Many of these donors possessed trust funds… and thus a lack of need for personal finance courses. However, with its decision to abide by the dictates of the Commonwealth, the school has cast these valuable community members aside.
“I learned at age three that I am the richest man in the world,” said Chauncey Farrington III ‘25. “First of all, I just needed people to know that, but second, if I learned how to use my money, I wouldn’t be the richest man anymore. That’s the point!”
Bedford Hobbes Malpass ’25, trust-fund-haver, current busy person, and future not busy person, said, “I would prefer to be rich in time! I don’t want to fill up another out-of-order-lettered block in my schedule! I never learned the alphabet in the first place! How do you expect me to take another class with not only letters, but also numbers!?” I stand by this.
Maggie Vanderbilt Smith ’25 added, “If my great-great-grandfather had wanted me to take a personal finance class, he wouldn’t have monopolized transportation in the first place.”
I don’t think we have enough programs in place for the benefit of our wealthy students—not all of us can be geniuses.
Speaking of geniuses, as a trust fund community prospect and hopeful, I feel I have already completed the personal finance instruction of my Mercersburg education by taking advantage of the opportunity to date another student with a trust fund. Consequently, I suggest that the members of our community who have opted to take the easier, more efficient, and more romantic route to financial success should be able to place out of the requirement. Some may call it gold digging, but I call it economic intelligence. Two birds, one stone! Eternal happiness and personal finance included!
Because I do not want to ignore minorities within our community in the same way our academic office has (likely due to DEI), I want to acknowledge the wealthy members of our community who lack trust funds; these students should be able to provide proof of inheritance and current bank balance to avoid the superfluous programming as well. Other things that could exempt students from this absurd requirement include: owning at least one yacht and writing a 500-word essay about “Why I Deserve to Be Rich Without Effort,” OR having parents (or grandparents) that have donated or will donate a building.
I hope the academic office considers my plea for my fellow students’ well-being. A part of our campus community is being neglected and this needs to be addressed.