Disclaimer: Satire edition
“Here ye, here ye!” Allison Appenzeller chants while unrolling an exceptionally long scroll penned with a quill from the Thunder mascot costume. “We gather on this fine Friday to shame the students who have dishonored our beloved OSL.”
This was the scene greeting students and faculty when they sat down for school meeting last Friday: Andy Brown sitting on the Simon Theatre stage upon a throne, stroking his menacing goatee. The meeting was planned to introduce Women's History Month and watch the different grades’ draft picks for trivia (the lineup was rumored to include staunch allies like Wyatt Parks ‘25).
“My eyes were assaulted by the sight of Mr. Brown in a VERY loose tunic with student activities interns feeding him grapes,” said Ellie Sapp ’25, in the bathroom of South as she scrubbed her eyeballs with hand soap, desperately trying to purge the vision from her memory. Stella Schwartz ’28, similarly horrified, fainted from the highest balcony into the crowd below.
The meeting, commandeered by the Office of Student Life, introduced the new behavior point and punishment system. In order to ensure maximum attention from the student body, the temperature in the Simon Theatre was turned to 50 °F, and any student missing from their seat was kidnapped, blindfolded, and bound before being driven back to the Burgin Center for the Arts in the OSL golf carts with a dunce cap adorning their head.
Some students fled to One North to avoid the two-hour school meeting block. “I support the kids’ choices to patronize local businesses,” said Doug Smith as he wielded a coupon gun that rained 20% off One North discounts on the students cheering below as they waited to bow to Brown to show their fealty.
The infamous Conduct Review Committee was abolished and replaced by the Most Esteemed and Right Honorable Tribunal of Unseemly Behaviors and the Restoration of Noble Dignity. Jen Craig announced this, rising from the floor while setting fire to the head of the CRC, Hisano Enamoto ’25, as her maniacal laugh rang through the theatre. The new Most Esteemed and Right Honorable Tribunal of Unseemly Behaviors and the Restoration of Noble Dignity (or MERHTUBRND for short) has elected to keep the old tiered punishment system. However, they decided to replace the consequences with “Condemnation that will have students quivering in their clogs and finally caring about the logs they get from OSL,” according to Laurie Rice, who recently left the office citing “creative differences.”
“Referral to the Dean” will instead lock students in stocks on the quad. “We have decided to get rid of Chipotle fundraisers and now raise money by selling students tomatoes with with to pelt their peers!” chirped Emily Parsons gleefully as she skipped away, imagining all the profit to be collected.
“Warning” will be replaced with light stoning. “I got bored watching students walk aimlessly around the track; my Sunday mornings will now be invigorated by throwing stones at students!” cheered David Bell, recently coming out of retirement after hearing about the modifications. Terrifying portraits of Bell in a bloodied Mickey Mouse tie now litter the hallways in a campaign to scare students straight.
“Final Warning” in now two sentences: for girls, being burned at the stake, and for guys, being tarred and feathered. “I will never take a shower after lights out again,” exclaimed Jerry Jin, quivering with his towel barely hanging on as a wagon pulled him away for his retribution.