Disclaimer: Satire Edition
On Monday, March 31, Mercersburg Academy announced that the True Blue Cafe will be open 24 hours daily, Monday through Sunday. This change reflects the unprecedented increase in student demand and is a decision meticulously made by administrators, faculty, and staff.
The True Blue staff was overwhelmed by the number of orders.
"We're completely overloaded," True Blue staff member Jessica Saunders said. "I took the 2 am shift because I thought it would be easy, but it’s honestly been like a zombie apocalypse — the students just keep spawning."
"I've never seen so many of us packed in one place," Derrick Park '25 said. "It's like the Enchanted Forest after first check-in."
Another True Blue staff member, Frankie Jones, complained about their inability to keep up with the orders. "We've started frying our burgers in the grease we wipe off tables — it saves so much time,” he said.
Dean of Student Life Andy Brown and Head of School Quentin McDowell discussed the crisis and announced a novel solution: True Blue Interns.
"We were looking for a way to alleviate the burden of our lovely True Blue staff while also allowing students to engage positively with the Mercersburg community," McDowell said.
"So far, it's been really successful," Brown said. "We’ve had a record number of applicants. In fact, we've included a section for students to check their alternate choices - including Student Council President and Mugwump - in case they don't get in."
"I screamed when I saw the email," Reed Warner '25 said. "I was on my twenty-fourth cookie of the night and I literally just stopped and said, 'Oh my God, I got a True Blue internship!'"
Max Friedman, Head True Blue Intern, described the process. "On top of academic prerequisites, the application requires a personal statement, culinary research paper, graduation from a food science summer course with full marks, and four 1000-word supplementary essays. The first round of winnowing is then followed by two seven hour interviews with Mr. McDowell.”
Amid the exclusive list of admitted interns, one student managed to outshine the rest for the coveted Head True Blue Intern. Next year, Friedman will pass the torch to Duc Nguyen ‘26.
"They usually only let in current seniors in Cum Laude with an 106 average who will reject an Ivy," Nguyen said. "I was really surprised when they accepted me, a junior who only has 52 APs and 1439 service hours."
This year, the acceptance rate for True Blue Interns is projected to drop to 3.2%. Due to roaring demand and the rigor of the internship, a new position will be added in the coming school year: the True Blue Intern Intern, which will provide the opportunity to train under a real True Blue Intern. This position is set to offer a gateway into the True Blue Intern position for applicants who missed the mark but displayed promising potential.