Tahir Hasanov '25 and Anderson Wang '26
Apr 4, 2025
Disclaimer: Satire edition
Following a winter term filled to the brim with behavioral infractions, at 9 AM on Saturday, March 29, 275 students walked guard—a new school record. In response, students began an unprecedented protest which has now turned into an encampment. Dozens of students, led by student body president Taimur Rehman ’25, pitched tents on the retired football field. Exhausted from walking around the track, students demanded an end to the dreaded practice of guard, which they denounced as “a barbaric measure of oppression.”
“Our demands are simple,” Rehman stated in a fiery speech to the gathered masses. “We demand justice! We demand reform! We demand the right to sleep-in on a Saturday morning!” The crowd erupted in cheers, waving banners and flags with slogans such as “No Guard, No Peace” and “More boring than watching developmental swim practice.”
Among the students at the encampment was William Choi ’26: “I was given 188 hours of guard for letting in too many goals during our lacrosse game. Although we’ve underperformed recently, I don’t believe that justifies my harsh punishment.”
Not everyone was there for punishment. Frank Bonsal IV ’25 (Holderness ‘26) was also spotted at the encampment. “I skipped the entire winter term, but for some reason I wasn’t given any guard. I just followed my friends and ended up here.”
The administration was swift in its response. At precisely 4:00 AM, under the cover of darkness, Mercersburg Academy’s newly armed campus security guards were ordered to dismantle the encampment. Reports indicate that security, in full tactical gear, announced, “This is your final warning,” before confiscating camping equipment and escorting students off the premises. Wyatt Parks ’25 and William Feaste ’25 remained unfazed, chaining themselves to the goalposts and declaring themselves “the anchors of the movement.” Campus security proved to be no match for the pair, forced to retreat at the sight of them.
The Mercersburg administration was outraged. In an unprecedented disciplinary measure, the leaders of the encampment were deported to none other than The Hill School. The official school statement described this as “a temporary relocation program designed to instill discipline and appreciation for Mercersburg values.”
As the chief leader of the encampment, Rehman was the first to be deported. In his farewell speech, he said: “They may take our tents. They may take our signs. But we’ll never walk guard!”
The administration, for its part, has remained firm. “Mercersburg is committed to maintaining order,” Head of School Quentin McDowell declared. “We respect our students’ right to protest, but actions have consequences. The Hill School has refused to house these rogue individuals, but who is Hill to defy the Blue Storm. There, under the new Dean of Students Coleman Weibley, they will learn valuable lessons.”