Five things you did last week

Disclaimer: Satire edition

Last week Head of School Quentin McDowell P’25, P’27, P’33 sent an email to every Mercersburg student with the subject line, “5 Productive Things You Did Last Week,” followed by six more emails over the course of the next week reminding students to “PLEASE fill out the Google form!!!” Accompanying this demand were several images of students frolicking on the quad and playing shirtless Spike Ball—labeled with captions such as: “Mercersburg Academy students have TOO much free time!” In a closed faculty meeting—justified by the disappointing responses he received— McDowell proclaimed, “We have not had an efficient year at Mercersburg. Too many students have written that they simply ‘played Wordle,’ ‘read my endless emails,’ or ‘texted my mom in class.’ Not acceptable.” 

On April 4, 2025, at 3:47 AM, McDowell announced via email the first-ever Negative Head’s Holiday, intended to increase “classroom efficiency.” McDowell stated, “DOME [Department of Mercersburg Efficiency] has conducted an audit, finding unsatisfactory reports in every class, with the exception of AS: Chemistry and AS: Calculus BC. Because of this, we will be having a full day of class this Saturday to make up for wasted time.” DOME, also known as the ThunderDOMETM after the Academy’s “beloved” mascot, was launched in 2025 as a project to save Mercersburg’s plummeting ranking among top boarding schools in the United States. The agency quickly gained notoriety for its bold initiatives, including phone pockets and the new schedule which defied the English alphabet. These past atrocities pale in comparison to the Negative Head’s Holiday, which Olivia Glick ‘25 and Yael Hochberg ’25 described as “either groundbreaking educational reform or the opening scene of a dystopian YA novel.”

To combat the rampant leisure epidemic on campus and make the day as efficient as possible, the Office of Student Life swiftly mobilized a squad of covert agents—aka Storm Spies—trained in the art of yelling through megaphones and judgemental clipboard holding to monitor their peers for signs of inefficiency during the Negative Head’s Holiday. One spy, Crystal Chiu ’25, broke her cover to admit, “I only did it for my college applications.” It is also rumored that the squirrels may have been in on the operation as they were seen supervising students from inside of trash cans, tiny GoPros attached to their little heads..

As students arrived in class Saturday morning, the effects of Negative Head’s Holiday were immediately apparent. Students were forbidden from asking “off-topic” questions, such as “Can you repeat that?” as these queries were deemed “interruptions to streamlined knowledge absorption” by Academic Dean Jen Smith ’97, P’23, P’24. Manika Dalai ’26, said, “Do you know what it’s like to be in class with Dave Holzworth for 75 minutes and not be allowed to interrupt him? His tangents had tangents.” If a student so much as glanced out the window or at a clock, an automated message from InformaCast stating “MBURG: Inefficient learning alert!” would appear on every screen in the vicinity. 

Meanwhile, the few brave souls who dared to whisper to a classmate were swiftly apprehended by Storm Spies and escorted out of the room. Rescued student Collin Jin ’25, recounted, “One second, I was asking to borrow a pencil, and the next, I was strapped to the back of Andy Brown’s golf cart speeding toward an unknown fate.”

In addition, the entire school was required to attend two extra X-Block, described as “the best possible use of our community time.”

Faced with unprecedented levels of forced productivity, students were quick to act in organizing a resistance. By lunch time, protestors—mainly consisting of depressed, over caffeinated seniors who barely even go to class on weekdays—voiced opinions held by the majority of the student body. Leading the charge was Frank Bonsal ’25, who was seen delivering impassioned speeches atop overturned recycling bins, calling for “the return of naps, free will, and the sacred tradition of procrastination!” History teacher Allison Stephens was seen cheering on the protestors.

As the rebellion reached its peak, the administration realized they had gravely underestimated the student body's commitment to doing absolutely nothing. In a last-ditch effort to restore order, McDowell attempted to deploy the Storm Spies for one final crackdown—only to discover that the spies had all defected to slack off at One North and that Brown’s golf cart had been repurposed into a escape vehicle shuttling students to the Enchanted Forest. Finally, at 7:42 PM, a defeated McDowell sent one last email: “You win. School is canceled on Sunday. But don’t think this is over.” The students, naturally, ignored this ominous warning and celebrated by immediately resuming their most cherished activities—scrolling TikTok and tanning on Tippetts Beach.