From tendus to twerking

Disclaimer: Satire Edition

The Mercersburg Academy Dance Program introduced its pre-professional track in 2023. The program's goal is to separate the dancers who are more committed to dance from the students who joined recreationally. 

However, since its inception, the program has failed to produce dancers who plan to move into the professional world, causing a fair bit of controversy. English department member Frank Betkowski commented on the misnomer, saying, “Too many of their dance pieces are done in socks. They will never make it in the professional world if they can not show some toe.” 

Some of the seniors in the program expressed interest in pursuing further training in college, whether through a dance team, club, or minor, but none indicated a professional pursuit of dance. “I’m not sure if the starving artist lifestyle is for me, even though it would help me attain a ‘ballerina figure,’” said Stella Johnson ’25. 

Dance director Kelsy Rupp has taken drastic measures to ensure her students understand the full spectrum of opportunities available to them. “College is for ugly people who can’t tap dance,” said Rupp, furiously typing away at her computer while looking for something that might encourage her dancers to pursue their artistic careers. “We call it pre-professional for a reason,” raged Rupp, still clutching a stack of abandoned audition packets for Alvin Ailey and the ABT. “If they won’t do Broadway, then by God, they’ll do something on a stage.”

In an effort to showcase “realistic career options,” Rupp has introduced pole dancing into the curriculum, citing its exceptional job placement rate. “It’s time these girls face the music—and the fluorescent lighting of a filthy hole in the wall, an undisclosed club on the outskirts of town!” she declared.

Students were reportedly stunned when the usual Saturday morning ballet class was replaced with an intense seminar titled “From Tendus to Twerking: Monetizing Your Movement.” The guest lecturer (whose name has been withheld for legal reasons) took the floor, offering a detailed PowerPoint on the economic sustainability of pole work. “About time,” commented an anonymous male student. “I think I now have 207 bones.”

“For every one girl who gets into the Rockettes, there are 500 who end up teaching Baby Ballet at the YMCA. And I hate babies,” Elizabeth Orders ’25 explained while spinning gracefully around a hastily installed pole in the Reeder Dance Studio. The presentation inspired her to unenroll from college in the fall.

While the class changes have sparked controversy among students and parents alike, others love the idea. Maddie Weiss joined the program specifically for its new addition. “NYU is expensive,” said Weiss. “This change can help our dancers be more… uh, realistic.”

Despite the backlash, Rupp remains firm in her decision. “These girls are wasting their ASSets.” The usual 20-minute classical ballet piece that starts dance concerts will be replaced with “a piece that really showcases our girls' strengths. I want to give the seniors in the front row a show they will actually enjoy!” said Rupp with glee.

At the time of printing, Rupp was drafting a proposal for an academic class called “How to Improve Your Grade in Chemistry: Introduction to Exotic Movement.”